Mindfulness and Intimacy by Ben Connelly

Author:Ben Connelly
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Wisdom Publications

14. Blind Spots

Have you ever seen King Lear? As the play opens the king is aging, losing his strength and faculties, but he just can’t see it. Everyone around him knows, but almost no one wants to tell him. They mostly want to take advantage of his weakness. Just one loving, strong-willed daughter is willing to tell him the truth — and oh, how he rages at her for it. Lear’s lack of self-awareness and unwillingness to hear the truth sets the stage for one of literature’s most wrenching tragedies. No matter how excellent our mindfulness practice is, no matter how attentive we are to our bodies, our emotions, and our thoughts, there will be parts of ourselves we just can’t see, our blind spots. To get a more complete view we need to benefit from the mindfulness of others, their insight into who and how we are.

As a Zen teacher, one of my main jobs is to help people be aware of what is good in them, to hold a mirror up to all the wonderful things they do. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone sitting on the cushion facing me look genuinely surprised when I pointed out something kind they had been doing. We all need reminders of the power we carry within us, day in and day out, to do something compassionate, something beautiful. Of course, if you want to support someone, sometimes it’s helpful to bring up something that you see that they’re doing that’s not helpful. We all benefit from both kinds of feedback, but really it’s good to weigh in on the good side. Most of us do a lot of good.

Personally, I enjoy positive feedback more than negative. I’d love to be that magical guy who just hears it all with total equanimity, but it isn’t so. Still, I keep working on my ability to receive it all with an open heart and an open mind. Years ago, my barriers to intimacy were a lot thicker than they are now, and frankly, I thought I was a pretty awful person. When people would compliment me, or say something good about something I’d done, I’d deflect it with some sarcasm. When I was early in my path of recovery from addiction and mental illness, I remember deciding that I needed to get better at receiving people’s insights into my blind spots. I recall practicing: standing behind the counter at work and hearing someone compliment what I was doing. It took a big effort to smile, take their message in, and simply say “thank you.” I practiced receiving.

In those days, I’d meet negative feedback with defensiveness, lashing out, sulking, depression. It wasn’t a lot of fun, but I’ve practiced at finding a better way. These days I can often thank someone for their input, even if it’s quite unflattering, and take some time to consider whether their view can help me grow. If you want to be able to really grow from another’s illumination of your blind spots, learn to be aware of your defenses.

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